my 1000th post. fresh from vacation and ready to turn 20. time for reflection.
ive had a lot of time to clear my head and get my thoughts together so it seemed like a good idea to jot down and leave some sort of written document of who i see myself as at this current state. warning this will be long.
honestly i love my family. i wouldnt trade them for the world. i know sometimes i seemed annoyed with them and would rather be somewhere else, but nothing does my heart any better than when we all come together to celebrate occasions. i love my parents and i feel like ive let them down a lot. i know they want what’s best for me and want to see me succeed. i just wish sometimes they would trust me a little more. well not me necessarily, but rather my judgement. im at this point in life where im trying to learn who i am. i appreciate their guidance, but i feel the need to be my own person. lately theyve realized that im growing up and that they cant hold my hand forever and that’s a nice change. i need to make mistakes so i can learn from them to become a stronger person while avoiding theirs major ones.
then theres my little sister who isnt so little anymore. i can say that she means more to me than anyone on this world, period. my whole life shes looked up to me. i try to be perfect and hide my faults from her. ive always felt a responsibility to take care of her. im proud of the person she’s becoming. i see that she needs me and i swear to god that i’ll always be there for her and will try my hardest not to let her down. shes too important to me.
now im not going to say i have the best friends in the world because honestly… i dont. the important ones yes you mean a lot to me, but you already knew that. i’d like to believe that you all know that you can count on me for anything. im not mister popular always surrounded by people or anything, but id hope that im significant to you guys. i love my friends. i want to take care of you the best i can so that maybe i can receive the same type of affection back. is it selfish? partially. i like to feel appreciated especially if i let you all know how much you mean to me.
ive grown to become a type of loner because throughout the years my friends have let me down. i guess i placed too high of expectations on people, but im learning to expect to be disappointed. its just easier that way. i enjoy when i with you, but i do need my moments away from anyone/anything.
still i dont want to take away from all the good these friendships have done me. its nice to know that people care about me and you all make life a little bit more fun to live on certain days. i always tend to take mental snapshots in my head that live forever in my memories.
i haven’t found you. ive only had one serious relationship that had its ups and downs. i know i put a lot of effort into it, but also i messed up a lot during it. looking back i feel as if i changed into a person that i wasnt proud of being. i learned a lot from it and its a shame it ended the way it did, but i felt as if it was for the best. were both in better places now.
to say i have a love life is well… a lie. i dont. im not the type to go out and try to hook up with a lot of girls nor do i really date around. quality over quantity is how i truly approach girls. my whole life ive felt as if i was chasing this perfect girl that exists somewhere out there. its really nothing i should stress about. the idea of a girlfriend has always been so appealing to me ever since i was in kindergarten. yes ive been crushing on girls since the tender age of 5.
i think its the idea of having someone that you can open up to and be able to share thoughts and ideas as well as experiences with that person is what i like about relationships. now you dont need a relationship for that to happen it just a title given when two people truly connect with one another and decide that dont want to share.
ive had doubts if i am even the type to have a girlfriend, but those doubts have been put to rest because i know in the long run i want a wife. so i cant really close myself to the idea of love completely. yet i cannot really expect anything.
ive experienced enough to know what i like and what i dont like. i no longer worry about trying to find someone because itll happen when it does. all i can focus on is being the best person i can be for that special girl who is fortunate enough to get that close to me.
ive never experienced being in love, but i guarantee that ive been a witness to it. My grandfather “Tatay” showed me what it was to be in love. To literally be with someone forever. that what i wish to have one day.
As of the moment though, I am no where near ready for a relationship. its only recently have i felt like im recovering from being drained from my last. i am open to companionship, which i think is a step below a relationship and one step above friendship. do i have my eye on anyone? maybe. i feel like my future is bright, but only because of the way im begining to feel a lot more collected and its only then when i will be able to commit.
im prepared to be hurt, but ill be damned if i hurt anyone else.
my head will remain to be in the clouds, but i know i have my two feet planted on the ground.
The orchestrated version of “Run This Town” (by Jay-Z feat. Rihanna) created by E.S. Posthumus and which Jay-Z performed at the Superbowl Kickoff in February has been officially released to iTunes under the Roc Nation imprint, in its studio format. Download it here and cop on iTunes here.” - Source
No one is afraid of heights, they are afraid to fall. No one is afraid to play, they are afraid to lose, no one is afraid of the dark, they are afraid of what's in it, no one is afraid to say I love you, they are afraid of the response.
I think the reason you feel displaced and lost is because you’re focusing so hard on the bigger picture. Who am I? What am I doing? Why do I feel useless/ confused? In the long run, these questions will be answered. Rather than worrying too much, just live. Every small thing will impact your character. The way you behave day to day along with your view in life will mature. Yes, there’ll be days where you’ll feel lost but marvel at the idea that you are not alone. That we’re all on our own journeys and we are all vital pieces to one another’s destinies.